Too Frackin’ Busy….Part VII
*What happened in the world this week while you were in the oil patch and were too frack’n busy to notice ?
Tide detergent being stolen from stores across the country. Huh? Tide? Why Tide? According to this headline, Tide is like “liquid gold” on the black market because it is easily recognizable and the most expensive detergent. So we are supposed to believe that Tide has become a status symbol that poor people are trading on the black market? How glamorous or desirable can a CLEANING PRODUCT be? In St. Paul Minnesota a guy got busted for stealing $25,000 in Tide in a little over a year! Don’t people have any self respect anymore? For example, if you work in the Bakken, people are intrigued by that because it is the biggest boom this country has seen in a long time and it’s history in the making. But if you’re like that jerk in St. Paul and someone asks what you do for a living, you answer, “I steal Tide and sell it on the black market.” Oh, and this was rich too. “Social media outlets are blaming the trend on the economy and higher gas prices.” Really? Let’s try and look past the fact that it’s become completely acceptable for “reputable” news outlets to quote social media sites. If we can process through that, now we have to examine the absurdity of this claim. If it really is about a poor economy and higher gas prices, wouldn’t people be stealing bread, or frozen pizza or beer? As if someone who has officially bottomed out because of a bad economy and escalating gas prices is going to say, “That’s it. I lost my job, I can’t afford to drive my car, I’m about to lose my house. I’m going to go steal some Tide.” I’ll be keeping an eye on this story, because if I’m a betting gal, my guess is that Tide is somehow linked to drugs. Perhaps it has been determined as the most effective detergent in cleaning up a Meth lab or something like that. Stay tuned.
Huggies diaper ad backfires among dads. Seems dads across the country thought Huggie’s new diaper campaign, which depicted dads as big dumb animals who couldn’t change a diaper, was a load of, um, poo. I’m glad these dads took a stand on this, because I for one am sick and tired of men being portrayed as barely house-trained cavemen when it comes to domestic life and television commercials. I’ll never forget that television commercial where a wife was publicly chastising her husband for burning up the lawn with weed killer and making him feel like he should just be locked up in a zoo with the other hapless apes who couldn’t properly kill weeds. And no, I’m not going to turn this into a pointed discussion on how feminism has taken a hostile and emasculating turn. All I’m saying is I can change a diaper, but I can’t work in the Bakken oil fields on a grueling shift, I can’t work in the middle of the earth like my friend who is a miner and holds a 135 pound drill for 12 hours straight, and I can’t work out in the cold like the construction guys I work with. Yet hammer companies aren’t portraying me trying to drive a nail as a blonde ding-a-ling who accidentally pulverizes her thumb with a waffle hammer. And if they did, Gloria Allred would be all over them faster than you can say dirty diaper. That concludes my speech.
George Clooney and his father arrested at Sudanese Embassy: Good for George. He successfully raised awareness through this publicity stunt for the humanitarian crisis in northern Africa. We are glad there are people like him who have the time and money to dedicate to these causes while the rest of us are earning a living. Humanitarian travesties are nothing to laugh at, and that is not what I’m doing. All I’m saying is now that George has been arrested, could we just throw away the key? Think of the awareness that will create! May as well take this all the way George. Brad Pitt could not be reached for comment when the media wanted to know if he would be posting bail for George.
Strangest things to buy online: Not sure what you should do with some of that Bakken change rattling around in your pocket? According to this headline, during tough economic times, people resort to selling bizarre things like cornflakes that look like Jesus, canoes with see-through bottoms and owl vomit. Yes, owl vomit. The manufacturer claims the following: “Kids and puke go hand in hand! This brand new box set combines the thrill of dissecting owl puke and rebuilding skeletons with the hypoallergenic and sanitary means that only modern manufacturing can provide. The sanitary and synthetic pellets will provide hours of fun. Complete kit comes with two kinds of pellets, bone sorting chart, dissection tray, and magnifier.” I can’t really ascertain what is more outrageous here. The marketing of owl vomit, or the claim that, “Kids and puke go hand in hand.” If your kid likes to pick through vomit, we need to talk. So walk, don’t run to websites like www.dudeiwantthat.com. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go purchase anatomical leggings, which “create the illusion of visible muscle.” Bye-bye gym pass.
*Note: Please seek traditional media outlets for real news and headlines. This feature is only meant to distract you from the daily grind of the oil fields for a few moments and add some levity to your day .
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