WHAT HAPPENED IN THE WORLD THIS WEEK, WHILE YOU WERE IN THE OIL PATCH & WERE TOO FRACK’N BUSY TO NOTICE*
*Note: Please seek traditional media outlets for real news and headlines. This feature is only meant to distract you from the daily grind of the oil fields for a few moments and add some levity to your day .
The Golden Globes are tonight! This means two things: First, the annual Hollywood Awards season is kicking off. And if history holds, millions of dollars will soon be spent on a campaign designed to do little more than remind everyone just how talented and important Hollywood believes it is. The Golden Globes will be followed by the People’s Choice Awards, The Screen Actors Guild Awards, Producer’s Guild Awards, Directors Guild Awards, the Annual Critics Choice Awards, the Art Directors Guild Awards, the Cinema Audio Society Awards, The Writers Guild Awards, the Visual Effects Society Awards, the American Society of Cinematographers Awards, the Golden Reel Awards, the Independent Spirit Awards, all of which pave the way to the Mac-Daddy of Awards shows- The Oscars. Wow! That’s a lot of positive affirmation for one industry. Second, a gaggle of movies we’ve never heard of and have no desire to see will be recognized. Why doesn’t Hollywood call all of these award shows what they really are: “A desperate attempt to get people to watch box-office busts.” Think I’m being too harsh? A TWO HOUR SILENT MOVIE is nominated for the Golden Globes. I rest my case.
Beyonce gave birth last Saturday. Only celebrities make headlines for doing what the rest of us have been doing forever (minus the fanfare and the swanky hospital rooms). The only noteworthy thing you need to know about this (yes, I’m taking some liberties with the words “noteworthy” AND “need-to-know”) is that Beyonce and her hubby named their baby Blue Ivy Carter. Hmmm…Purple Clematis Clinton must have already been taken.
Russian space probe to crash to Earth within hours. Well, we have two ways to respond to this headline: Stay inside or duck !
Sarah Palin disses First Lady Michelle Obama. When Michelle Obama defended her husband’s presidency with, “some may be confused about all that has been accomplished,” Sarah Palin responded with, “Oh Lord. Oh Lord! Are we just numb-skulls out here in the heartland of America? Just a bunch of numb-skulls who can’t read the unemployment numbers and see that 5 trillion dollars in new debt…under her husband, President Obama. Five trillion dollars more…and we still have fewer jobs today than we had before he took over.” In related news, Sarah Palin changed her hairstyle, which was actually a bigger headline than her taking on the First Lady.
Paula Deen reportedly has Type 2 Diabetes. Huh. Can we get a “der”? Is this really news? It’s never appropriate to revel in the misfortunes of others, and that is not what is happening here. That said, you don’t have to be a dietitian to know that if you place butter on one bottom corner of the food pyramid, and pork products on the other bottom corner, you’re not just brewing up a recipe for dinner. You’re also brewing up a recipe for health issues. On a positive note, Paula presumably does not want her fans to be adversely affected by her recipes (or doesn’t want the lawsuits), so she now has “Very Veggie Recipes,” as well as lighter versions of her recipes and ideas on how to prepare “winter greens.”
North Korea to punish insincere mourners at Supreme Leader Kim Jong II’s memorial. Uh, don’t people have to be sad in order to cry? I typically try to put a humorous spin on outrageous or useless headlines, but there really is nothing funny about this country and the regime that its people are forced to live under. It remains a global civil liberties embarrassment. Our hearts go out to people who couldn’t muster up the appropriate amount of dismay for the passing of a dictator who has taken 200,000 political prisoners.
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